My Road To Recovery – Finding Balance In The Chaos
Trigger warning: mention of suicidal idéation and attempts
No one said recovering would be easy; they said it would be worth it.
Whilst sitting here wondering how I am going to take nearly 12 years of chronic health struggles and formulate it into a short blog post, I reflect on a 16-year-old: scared, confused, immature and unprepared adolescent. I bring myself back to the day I got the call from the Montreal Children’s Hospital Gastroenterology (GI) department to give me my first appointment, initiating the testing process for inflammatory bowel disease. It seems like so long ago, yet it’s still so fresh in my memory.
As a medical cannabis patient and medical cannabis clinic employee, I hope my story can help anyone to see a glimmer of light at the end of even the darkest of tunnels. I currently see my daily fight to maintain balance and good health as a blessing and a strength, but as a teenager just starting to experience life, it felt like an absolute curse and weakness.
The summer I turned 16, I went to see my gynecologist for my usual 6-month follow-up. Even though I was on birth control, I was constantly spotting between periods. Given my family history of Inflammatory Bowel Disease and Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and an additional concern of constant diarrhea for the last 3 months, worry grew that I may be battling an autoimmune disease. My doctor put in a request for me to be seen by the Montreal children’s hospital’s GI department, where I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease.
Within a month of my diagnosis and commencing treatments, I experienced an adverse reaction to the medication my doctors had prescribed to control my disease. It left me with pancreatitis – this was the beginning of my living nightmare.
Due to ongoing complications, I was hospitalized for months at a time, and I was given opioids to control my pain, benzodiazepines for anxiety, and corticosteroids for the inflammation my disease caused. As time passed each hospitalization got longer and my time at home in between got shorter.
Over time, I started to notice a shift in my moods. I thought I was only mildly depressed because of the cards I had just been dealt. I figured it was normal considering everything I had gone through in a short amount of time. I was watching my adolescence being ripped away from me. I began to feel like a prisoner in my own body. I went from being an outgoing and sociable teenager to being a reserved and isolated young adult. I was terrified.
Shortly after being told that my pain from multiple flare-ups left me with chronic nerve damage to my intestines and pancreas, I began to realize that the pain I had was both physical and psychological, which in turn brought on severe anxiety. I started to seek unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Subconsciously, I turned to opioids that doctors prescribed for my physical pain to alleviate my mental pain as well. I did not want to feel anything, I wanted to be numb. From that point on, there was not a day that went by that I did not misuse morphine, Dilaudid™, codeine, fentanyl, or Ativan™ to escape the fact I was chronically ill and depressed.
I was being followed in cognitive behavioural therapy and talk therapy for 6 months after my Crohn’s diagnosis. I learned I could tell my therapist whatever she wanted to hear just so my specialists would be happy and leave me be. After each session, I would go home and drown my feelings in whatever opioid I had at my disposal.
Sleeping and avoiding reality became easier than dealing with my issues. I had lost everything dear to me: school, friends, romantic partners, self-confidence, and, most of all, self-worth. I was doing absolutely nothing to help myself. I had secretly set a goal to do everything in my power not to see my 25th birthday. At this point, I was chronically depressed and had become a danger to myself.
My cannabis journey began roughly 2 months later. I went into the ER as usually, thinking I was having another flare-up, but the nausea, vomiting, irritability, cold sweats and increased pain that I was experiencing was not disease related; it was withdrawal. I was hospitalized again, but this time was different. The chronic pain doctors and my care team agreed that I was physically dependent on Dilaudid™. They proposed a 20-day in –hospital detox. At 17, I felt like I was being treated like a severe drug addict – little did I know, that was exactly the road I was heading down.
My older brother came to visit me one day and was appalled with the approach the hospital was taking. Yes, on the one hand, they were doing right by getting me off the opioid causing more harm than good; but on the other hand, I had nothing in the short-term to control the constant pain that I was in. He decided to bring me outside and shared a joint with me. After smoking, my pain diminished, and I was able to finally eat something without vomiting. Since I was a minor my doctors were legally unable to recommend me using cannabis, but if it meant that I would use less opioids, they were not completely opposed to it. The doctors found less habit-forming derivatives of opioids for me to use during pain flare-ups; but with the help of cannabis, I did not need to use as large of doses as I used to.
After my bowel resection at 20 years old, I recall that my family doctor noticed I was very depressed and needed help. He referred me to the best psychiatrist I’ve ever met. For the first time since getting diagnosed, I felt like I could make considerable progress. I felt like I could open up and be vulnerable with this doctor. I felt like finally someone other than my gastroenterologist genuinely believed in me and did not think I was just a drug seeker, that there was more to my substance abuse than the desire to get high. Despite that, it still took me 6 months to actually let her into some of the deepest, darkest parts of me.
During one of my countless hospitalizations, I was assigned to the family medicine unit. Dr. Jean Zigby was following me. He was aware that I was trying to reduce my intake of opioids and substitute them with cannabis, but I had no guidance, little cannabis knowledge, nor did I have a clue what was in the cannabis I was consuming. Dr. Zigby changed all that and at 22, I was introduced to Santé Cannabis
From there, I was blessed with a structured, positive, and organized care team. Confidently, I was able to find healthy approaches to put into practice and regain some balance in my life. I was able to gradually reduce my opioid use for anything other than pain management during my Crohn’s flare-ups. I no longer needed my benzodiazepines, not even for severe anxiety attacks. I was finally taking care of myself, and things began to look up for me. The one thing I did not expect was for the “rollercoaster” I called my life to sporadically have such horrific lows.
After 7 years of being sick, I had hit rock bottom, attempted to overdose, and to commit suicide multiple times. It took me countless hospitalizations, substance abuse issues and 6 different mental health professionals for me to take my mental and physical health disorders seriously. I had a romantic partner at the time who gave me an ultimatum: it was drugs or her – and clearly, I chose her. I have been on a constant journey of recovery since.
Due to a long-term use of steroids, I was diagnosed at 23 with ankylosing spondylitis in my sacroiliac joint, as well as rheumatoid arthritis. I was constantly waking up with swollen joints and pain in my lower back, hands, and knees. After being in constant pain for months, I had gone to the emergency room where they had done scans and blood tests. And sure enough, I had a new chronic autoimmune disease that I needed to deal with.
I was already sober and well into recovery at this point. My medical cannabis care team and I had found a proper THC-rich cannabis regime for my neuropathic pain. Unfortunately, following my care team’s suggestion to add a CBD oil regime to control my ongoing inflammation was too costly for me, as I did not have an income at the time. I had no choice but to start methotrexate, which is a disease-modifying anti-rheumatic drug (and a cancer treatment at higher doses) with debilitating side effects. However, I was able to control my arthritis with it, to a point where I could keep a steady employment.
Eventually, I was able to afford CBD oil, which in turn helped control the inflammation caused by arthritis. It almost seemed too good to be true, but following a strict ratio of THC:CBD, ALL my chronic health conditions were now under control. I was able to stop 98% of the medications I was prescribed.
However, with my life headed in the right direction, a part of me still felt unhappy. There was still that little voice in my head, determined to think that I was going to fail, reminding me about the promise I made to myself that I would not see my 25th birthday. I hated the person I saw in the mirror daily. The only emotion I was able to feel was self-hatred. I overthought everything and anything, and I developed chronic social anxiety – I could no longer be in large groups or crowds of people.
Instead of using drugs, I was now using romantic relationships and close friends to fill the empty hole deep within where self-love used to lie. I simply transferred addictions. I had not completely dealt with my trauma of the last 9 years. I was barely functioning. I hurt people and got hurt. I always had a superhero complex, but by the time I was 24, it was out of control. I thought I could deal with my “baggage” once a week in therapy without applying therapy tools to my daily life. My days revolved around my career and my partner; I was living and breathing for two things and none of them was me. I ended up burning myself out and nearly relapsing.
I was a week away from the 2-year mark of my sobriety, 4 months away from my 25th birthday and I was once again ready to end it all. I had to take a sick leave from work and broke up with my then-partner when everything was getting hard. I had a plan to end my misery and give up on myself. The day I planned it, to overdose and close my eyes for good, somehow, with my hand full of pills, reality hit me. I realized how far I had come and could see my worth for the very first time in my life. Instead of relapsing and giving up, I decided it was time to go to rehab.
I finally focused on myself and was able to get back to work. I took therapy seriously and was able to find new ways to appreciate the life I fought so hard for. I surrounded myself with positive and supportive people. I got through the darkness and celebrated my 25th birthday in June 2019.
By sharing my story, I wanted to show you that anything is possible with a positive support system, a proper care team, and an individualized treatment plan. You can be dealt the worst cards imaginable, but it is the approach you choose to take that can lead to success or failure. I ventured down both roads and believe me when I say: once you learn to love yourself and embrace everything about yourself, you can overcome any obstacle.
I found the positive before it was too late. I found my purpose and found my place in the world. No matter how dark the road gets for me, I can always manage to find a way to bring a glimmer of hope to the obstacle I am facing. I grew tired of letting my illnesses, my disorders and my struggles define my life, and learned to live with them.
When I concentrated on caring for myself and dealing with my trauma, I could prevail through the darkness. I could not find the light in my darkness, so I became the light.
Author: Rebecca Fogel, Patient Care Coordinator, Santé Cannabis
Rebecca Fogel has worn many hats for Santé Cannabis since October 2017. She works as a Medical Office Assistant, Patient care coordinator and Patient advocate. She leads patient events and support groups, is passionate about public speaking, and is dedicated to providing medical cannabis patients a place to speak freely and to be heard.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.